Broken Computer & RANCID & Joe Strummer

  (a gaggle of thoughts for the day & week).....OK, this has me somewhat upset.  
My computer is 18 months old & I've never had any
problems with it until recently.  Not only do I have at least two nasty STD's on the 
computer, but the power jack is broken!!! :)   The cord won't stay plugged into the 
laptop.  It appears to be loose and it must be wiggled and HELD in just the right way
in order to charge the battery!!!  Kinda' like how your old Walkman headphone jack
would always become loose with age (like my women!) and you'd only get sound out
of one earphone! (Ironically this happened last year with my cheap mp3 player I own!)
I remember holding the plug at a 90 degree angle to get sound from both sides of the 
headphones!  So I've been trying that with the power jack/plug on my laptop.  It WAS
working for a bit.  Now it's become so loose it's very precariously holding in there!  I even
tried a new cord/plug from another laptop my friend has, and that one did the same thing
so now I know it's the jack on my computer not the plus & cord!  UGGGGHHH!  That 
will be a pain in the butt to replace.  Gonna' have to open the laptop and exchange the jack.
My brother can do it for only the cost of a new jack.  I hope it will be that simple, but the
way my life is going it is sure to be more complicated than that.
So I sit at home after a snoozy week, listening to & watching the "Give 'Em the Boot"
DVD put out by Hellcat Recs. & Tim Armstrong (RANCID).   He owns & runs Hellcat
Recs. and they are one of the best semi-independent record labels in the world.
RANCID, Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros,  TRANSPLANTS, US BOMBS, TIGER
ARMY,  and a slew of other bands/artists are on this DVD.  I bought it new on Amazon
for $2 bux a few months ago.  I now have a giant 1080p HD TV in my room so the DVD
looks & sounds great!  I had it cranked singing along to "Rudy Can't Fail" from a live show
from Joe Strummer (R.I.P.)   Damn, I miss you Joe!
I am glad to be home. I got homesick after a few days away on retreat.  (Beautiful Benedic-
tine monastery up in Oxford, MI!)  I came back yesterday a tad bit earlier than expected.
Saw 'Django Unchained' last night with my friend & got very little sleep cuz of bloody insomnia!  Oh snap, made it to Mass this morning  
with nothing on my heart or my lips to confess.  I love doing the 
right thing & loving God.  It pays off.  I had been exceptionally depressed over the past
several months.  The main reason for my retreat was to sort some things out in my head
& in my soul.  I did just that, with my God & my Creator & my Sustainer.   I know what 
to do now.  I know which path to take and which way to go. It's not the one I wanted to
traverse.  Nor with the person I initially wanted to be with for the rest of my life.  I'm not
gonna' say something cheesy like, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  But I
will say that I am going to continue moving forward.  I am very blessed to have every-
thing in life that I do.  I am going to make the best of it.  My sobriety is my number one
priority & focus!  All other things are in a close second.  It's as if my life were a triangle
and 'Sobriety' is on the top. (That means: God, church, AA fellowship, 12 steps, etc) and 
family, lovers, friendship, and job are directly underneath.  It actually works out very well
and I've traversed this path before.  Thank God I'm not alone on it. ♥            

"Good Morning, Heartache..."

"...You're like an old friend --come and see me again."
  -RANCID

What Have I Been Reading Lately?

....And what has been & IS on my bookshelves?
I have a limited amount of space where I live, and I would say my books, 
magazines, and journals take up the majority of my personal space.
So I have room for about forty books on my shelf.  The rest of my literature
is kept in large (and small) plastic totes & cardboard boxes.
I regularly rotate books from my shelf to my storage totes, and vice versa.
I am usually reading ten to fifteen different books at any one time.  No, not 
simultaneously silly.  A few pages from this one, a chapter from that one, etc etc.
I plan on making a series of posts on this blog, as to what I'm reading and links to
each book on Amazon or wherever else, if available. 
♥ Always Use Love ♥

Excellent Page On The Holocaust™ & The Bucket Of Lies Surrounding It

Holocaust Revisionist Truths (link)


Here is an excellent page on the www.archive.org website about the Holocaust™ lies.
I dislike Nazi's, neo-nazi's, fascism, Hitler, etc.  But most of that crap is in the past.
Zionism & Zionazism is a modern day threat to humanity's freedom & peace.
There has been a HUGE propaganda campaign to indoctrinate the public with the
ridiculous idea & thesis that 6 million Jews were killed by Hitler and his henchman. 
This is, for the most part, bullshit. I used to be one of the sheeple that believed the traditional
Holocaust™ story.  I was brought up believing that.  Over the past twenty years I have, little
by little, uncovered the truth about this alleged European Holocaust™ of Jews.
Six million Jews were NOT killed by Hitler.
There were NO "homicidal gas chambers" in Auschwitz nor anywhere else in Poland, 
Germany, or anywhere else in Europe.  That is a fable based on irrational mass hysteria.
Nazis used small gas chambers to fumigate clothing & bedding.  They never killed a single
Jew nor anyone else with Zyklon B (cyanide).  Myths, fables, and outright lies.
Modern technology has proven this false.  However, Jewish Zionist's, being as crafty as they
are, have made any questioning of the traditional Holocaust™ story completely illegal.  A felony
resulting in severe prison sentences.  WTF?!?  Why?  Why threaten a person with incarceration
if your story is so true?  Truth does not fear inquiry!  Amen.
Institute for Historical Review, The Barnes Review, Ernst Zundel, David Irving, Germar
Rudolf.  Brave souls and brave organizations & publications daring to tell the truth.
Please watch all of the available videos, read the plethora of information available. Decide for
yourself.  Do not be bullied by Jewish Zionist terrorist thugs!!!  And remember, always use love. ♥

SAMIAM "The Bridge"

Pain

I've been in pain over the past several months.  Serious pain.  Make that the past year or so. 
Serious pain. Real pain.
Pain brings chaos.
Internal pain, external pain, real pain & imagined pain.
Does it matter if it's real or imagined?  No it doesn't.  Or, rather, it shouldn't.
It's often said, "it's all in your head. It's not real & it's not really happening."
Bullshit.
Again, does it matter --if it's real or imagined pain?  If it's internal or external?
Pain. Loss. Empty.
Pain is pain is pain.
I've experienced enough pain for a dozen lives.
First and foremost is the pain of addiction & mental health.
Crazy. Nuts. Loony. Insane. Coo-koo. Batty. Bat shit crazy.
Seeing things, hearing things, smelling things, sensing things (that aren't there.)
Withdrawal. Craving, aka "jonsing." Desperation. Loss. Loss. Loss.
Loss.
Loss.
Loss loss loss.

 "Scared, helpless, and weak."  --SNAPCASE 1993

Emptiness.  Deep, deep emptiness. 
"What you have is a God sized hole in your heart (soul) that you are trying to fill with
narcotics, alcohol, sex, materialism, etc."
Materialism. 
Ahhh, materialism. 
Get some. 
Get some more. 
Get some more more. 
More, more, more, more.
And then more.
Empty.
I'm still empty.

  "I've got my arms wrapped around myself, you've got your arms around someone  else.  I lie to myself. I tell myself I'm not down.  I'm not down (lie)."  
  --ROLLINS BAND 1993

I listen to "The End of Silence" by the great, great ROLLINS BAND.  I listen to that record
over & over & over & over again.  I always do. I can't stop. I'm hooked. I'm "addicted."
That's not all I'm addicted to.
I kill myself every 30 - 60 minutes with one more cancer stick.  "Just one more...."
I just need one more.  (We all need 'one more'.)
Tobacco. Liquor. Heroin. Cocaine. Dextromethorphan. Cannabis. Benzodiazipines. 
Certain days are better then others. I've put all of those away. Almost a full year since
I've tasted anything --save for tobacco. The "paper dick" as it's known.
Suppose it's better than the"glass dick."
I lied. Some days AREN'T better than others.
Some days have less suffering than others. It doesn't make those days better.
 If I hold your head underwater for sixty seconds, then pull you out for ten seconds
then hold you underwater for sixty seconds, then pull you out for ten seconds, over
& over & over & over --you will suffer.  Each time you are allowed a breath it is 
nothing pleasurable.  You are simply experiencing less suffering, albeit temporarily.I'm sick.
Sick sick sick.
I'm in pain.
Serious pain.
Pain brings chaos.
Truth is, I love the chaos. Any chaos. All chaos. I worship chaos. I create chaos and then
I beg for help to get rid of the chaos. When help arrives, I turn it down. I turn it away. I turn 
it around. I drag the helpers into my chaos.
I set fire to the fireman.
I arrest the police officer. 
Peace officer. 
Emptiness. Empty. Empty empty empty.
Pain brings chaos.  I love the chaos. I'm addicted to the chaos. When I can have external chaos
near me, it quiets the internal chaos. It soothes the hurt. Temporarily.
It's a band-aid on a gunshot.
Then I cry out for more help. I beg for more help. I plead for more help.
But it doesn't come. It never comes. It stopped answering me thirty years ago.
No one comes anymore. No one answers anymore. No one listens anymore.
I'm sick.
Sick sick sick.
In pain. Real pain. Imagined pain.  P-A-I-N is a four letter word.
I thought pain was my friend. I know pain so well I feel like we are brothers.
Brothers. My brother is pain.

   "I have no emotion I have no devotion, it's empty motion, oceans of notions 
    intent on ego promotion.
    No elation, no devastation.
    Supplication seems a foreign creation.
    Barren & beaten & broken & bruised is the briar-ridden, thorn-land of my heart.
    My cries are lies from conceitful eyes."   --108 "Holyname" 1991

Heartache, loss, confusion, and chaos.  It's all I've known for too long now.
I've been searching for something for so goddamn long now.  I spent so much time
searching that I've forgotten what it was I am looking for.  I wouldn't know it if it
hit me square in my face.
I am chaos & confusion.
Chaos around me quiets the chaos inside me.
That much I do know.
2013 is now.  It's here. It's today.

  "There's this bridge I've got to cross and I feel alone.
   A child down to each side and I can't carry both.   
   The bridge is long we could fall down through holes. 
   Water all around, wind, wet and cold.
   One child insecure displays the confidence he doesn't own.   
   Another child, uncertain, looks around and cries for his home.
   My bridge is too unstable and the insecurity is letting go.   
   There's no holding to a crumbling bridge.
   When all the time is gone in between it tumbles. 
   Time to move along. 
    I toss & turn over & over & over & over.   
   Trying to dream out anxiety----
   Easy answers to my problems.
   Keeping a grip on sanity.
   Until the sun comes up & my mind's fresh and clean."  --SAMIAM 1989
  
Heartache. 
Heartache heartache heartache.
Always. Use. Love.
That is what I will try to use to stop the chaos, the pain, the torment, the heartache.
No more heartache. No more.
None.
No more.
Emptiness. Empty.
 
Always use love. 
I sometimes feel like I've been missing out on something.  Something BIG.
Almost like I 'missed the boat.'  It leads to confusion & chaos.
It always leads to chaos & heartache.  I missed the boat.  My ride didn't show.
But mostly, I feel like everyone else was given an instruction booklet on life except for me.
When we were kids the teacher passed out a very important book on how to live.
I was absent that day.  
I never got it.
Everyone else.
But me.

 

DRUID CHASE "Take Me In Your Garden" Psychedelic--

DRUID CHASE!!! Old psych rock from the late 1960's. Good stuff! 
♥♥♥ 

Father Symeon's Journal // Eastern Orthodox Christian Content ♥♥♥

This is an excellent blog to check out, though it hasn't been updated since August 2013.  Well worth your time, however.

Orthodox Christian Medicine   "The healing of soul and body through the ancient Orthodox Christian Way of Life."

Fr. Symeon's Journal [external link]

" Carmelites: People in search of God: From the Desert to the Garden of "

I love the Carmelite brothers & sisters! They are a fantastic monastic order within the Catholic Church. I want to learn more about them as a whole. I have a few snail mail pen pals whom I write to that belong to the order of Carmelites. They sent me a large box of books two years ago. Such wonderfully generous people. If I could do my life all over again, I would join a monastery and give my life to God, instead of squandering it away on drugs, booze, and loose women. BUT, thank God for second & third chances. I am sober today by God's grace & mercy. I love you Lord!!!

LIFE'S HALT "Make It Right"

LIFE'S HALT were a fantastic hardcorepunk band that was around in the late 90's / early 2000's. I was fortunate enough to see them four or five times. They were some of the nicest hardcore kids I've ever met! The singer's name is Ernesto, so we had an instant connection there! Their shows were super energetic & lively! Fun times for sure. R.I.P. LIFE'S HALT!!! ♥♥♥

Mutatis mutandis

"The necessary changes have been made."

FRAIL " Live at Atomic Cafe " pt. #1

FRAIL was a hardcore-emo-punk band from the early to mid 1990's. They released a few 7" records and maybe one or two split 7" records. I think they were put out on the Kidney Room Records label, Yuletide Records, and Bloodlink Records. Later on in the late 90's maybe? Bloodlink put all their recorded material onto a convenient CD called, "Make Your Own Noise." They were a great live band, though unfortunately I never got to see them. :( I still listen to them regularly and I am amazed at how great & important hardcore was in the 90's. Here's a cool video from a live show in that era.   Enjoy!

" ConsciousMate: The Nag Hammadi Library "

 ConsciousMate is a fantastic website/blog!!!  HAD to post this link up here! Get into it!


ConsciousMate: The Nag Hammadi Library (link)   

The Chronicles of Thomas Frith, O.P.

The Chronicles of Thomas Frith, O.P. (link)


  I want to read this book. The life of a Dominican Friar whilst he was traveling around Eastern Europe. I love books like this, particularly chronicling the travels & exploits of an unknown (to me) brother from the Order of Preachers (O.P.). In some ways books like this remind me of all the punkrock travelogue-fanzines I used to read. "In Abandon" done by a kid from Tampa, FL named Mikey, comes to mind. That was a damn good 'zine! God bless you all! ♥♥♥

" The Zionist Story " You must watch this!!! ♥

This is a fantastic video!  Educate yourself on the evils of modern day Zionism, as well as
it's terrible roots!  Then remember that modern Zionist's and their agenda(s) are promulgated
by pounding into everyone's head that  this Jewish Holocaust™ was the WORST thing that has
ever happened in the history of the earth!  Which is so laughable and so far from the truth that it
just makes one sick to keep hearing about it!  A farce!  A lie!  The Holocaust™ did NOT even 
happen the way the Zionist's keep telling us it did!