Black Flag "My War"

My favorite song from the "My War" album. Rollins is great on this. Yes, he is my favorite BF vocalist. Now there. Piss off.
 

Something Is Missing--

Checkin' in here, for anyone who may be reading. Friends, acquantences, lovers, and liars. Things have been going swell over the past two months. I'm working a lot these days--got a very good gig doing landscaping for 'R & J Lawn & Snow' out of Ann Arbor. We work all over Washtenaw county. Mainly in west A2, Dexter, Chelsea, and Ypsilanti. Mowing, weeding, edging, mulching, fall clean-up (well, not yet of course), and all things lawn & landscaping. I've been getting sunburned & tanned, sunburned & tanned, ad infinitum. Yes, it's a little hard trying to keep up with these 20-25 yr old kids, but I'm hanging in there! Beside's the money's really, really good! I've also lost 6 pounds since I started this job! Yay for me! God is good. He really is. But there's just something lacking in my life. Perhaps it's love. Yes. Love. Love. That four letter word....

MUNICIPAL WASTE "The Fatal Feast"

One of the greatest of the 'thrash revival' bands! I love 'em! Kick-ass video to boot! Get into it you slobs, crackheads, and prostitutes!

Perpetual Depression....

I feel like I am stuck in some kind of "depression bubble."  I don't really know how to 
adequately explain it.  A looong, drawn out, mild-ish perpetual depressed feeling.  Not 
a heavy duty, suicidal type of depression, but a persistent "state of the blues."  Frankly
I'm becoming sick & tired of it.  It also doesn't feel the same as S.A.D. --"Seasonal Affect-
ive Disorder."  I'm all too familiar with that one--it comes to me almost EVERY single 
winter.  This is more of a prolonged loneliness mixed with a long case of the blues one 
gets with opiate withdrawal, if you've ever experienced that.  I can't succinctly explain it
but I think that Wm. S Burroughs does a good job of it in his book "Junky."  And I also can't
remember off the top of my head exactly what he says, I just remember reading that book a 
few times and thinking, "this makes complete sense to me. I understand."  Yeah it sounds
odd that I can't remember what he wrote, yet I CAN remember agreeing with it!  Tho to
me that's one sign of a good writer --you don't remember what he wrote, but you DO
remember sympathizing or agreeing with it!   Back to my depression: what the heck is it
and how do I get rid of it?  I have tried every known anti-depressant under the sign and 
every combination thereof--nothing seems to work for any extended period of time.  Some
work for a few months, then the side effects inevitably force me to stop taking the meds. 
I will say that if it wasn't for my involvement in my church & the fact that I'm Catholic I
firmly believe that I would be much worse off than I am.  Also, I will say that when I have
been more involved in Alcoholics Anonymous I usually feel more pleasant & "upbeat." 
Maybe that's it, maybe that's my solution: getting back to regular AA meetings and trying
to go to mass once or twice during the week.  Yeah, I think that's worth giving a shot.  Heck,
they are both free with no strings attached.  Also, some more time set aside for serious prayer
with the Lord will do me good.  
I've tried & tried & tried. All I can do is keep trying. I miss so many friends & so many lovers. It seems like I'll never get back what I once had. 

ttt♥♥♥

Pain

I've been in pain over the past several months.  Serious pain.  Make that the past year or so. 
Serious pain. Real pain.
Pain brings chaos.
Internal pain, external pain, real pain & imagined pain.
Does it matter if it's real or imagined?  No it doesn't.  Or, rather, it shouldn't.
It's often said, "it's all in your head. It's not real & it's not really happening."
Bullshit.
Again, does it matter --if it's real or imagined pain?  If it's internal or external?
Pain. Loss. Empty.
Pain is pain is pain.
I've experienced enough pain for a dozen lives.
First and foremost is the pain of addiction & mental health.
Crazy. Nuts. Loony. Insane. Coo-koo. Batty. Bat shit crazy.
Seeing things, hearing things, smelling things, sensing things (that aren't there.)
Withdrawal. Craving, aka "jonsing." Desperation. Loss. Loss. Loss.
Loss.
Loss.
Loss loss loss.

 "Scared, helpless, and weak."  --SNAPCASE 1993

Emptiness.  Deep, deep emptiness. 
"What you have is a God sized hole in your heart (soul) that you are trying to fill with
narcotics, alcohol, sex, materialism, etc."
Materialism. 
Ahhh, materialism. 
Get some. 
Get some more. 
Get some more more. 
More, more, more, more.
And then more.
Empty.
I'm still empty.

  "I've got my arms wrapped around myself, you've got your arms around someone  else.  I lie to myself. I tell myself I'm not down.  I'm not down (lie)."  
  --ROLLINS BAND 1993

I listen to "The End of Silence" by the great, great ROLLINS BAND.  I listen to that record
over & over & over & over again.  I always do. I can't stop. I'm hooked. I'm "addicted."
That's not all I'm addicted to.
I kill myself every 30 - 60 minutes with one more cancer stick.  "Just one more...."
I just need one more.  (We all need 'one more'.)
Tobacco. Liquor. Heroin. Cocaine. Dextromethorphan. Cannabis. Benzodiazipines. 
Certain days are better then others. I've put all of those away. Almost a full year since
I've tasted anything --save for tobacco. The "paper dick" as it's known.
Suppose it's better than the"glass dick."
I lied. Some days AREN'T better than others.
Some days have less suffering than others. It doesn't make those days better.
 If I hold your head underwater for sixty seconds, then pull you out for ten seconds
then hold you underwater for sixty seconds, then pull you out for ten seconds, over
& over & over & over --you will suffer.  Each time you are allowed a breath it is 
nothing pleasurable.  You are simply experiencing less suffering, albeit temporarily.I'm sick.
Sick sick sick.
I'm in pain.
Serious pain.
Pain brings chaos.
Truth is, I love the chaos. Any chaos. All chaos. I worship chaos. I create chaos and then
I beg for help to get rid of the chaos. When help arrives, I turn it down. I turn it away. I turn 
it around. I drag the helpers into my chaos.
I set fire to the fireman.
I arrest the police officer. 
Peace officer. 
Emptiness. Empty. Empty empty empty.
Pain brings chaos.  I love the chaos. I'm addicted to the chaos. When I can have external chaos
near me, it quiets the internal chaos. It soothes the hurt. Temporarily.
It's a band-aid on a gunshot.
Then I cry out for more help. I beg for more help. I plead for more help.
But it doesn't come. It never comes. It stopped answering me thirty years ago.
No one comes anymore. No one answers anymore. No one listens anymore.
I'm sick.
Sick sick sick.
In pain. Real pain. Imagined pain.  P-A-I-N is a four letter word.
I thought pain was my friend. I know pain so well I feel like we are brothers.
Brothers. My brother is pain.

   "I have no emotion I have no devotion, it's empty motion, oceans of notions 
    intent on ego promotion.
    No elation, no devastation.
    Supplication seems a foreign creation.
    Barren & beaten & broken & bruised is the briar-ridden, thorn-land of my heart.
    My cries are lies from conceitful eyes."   --108 "Holyname" 1991

Heartache, loss, confusion, and chaos.  It's all I've known for too long now.
I've been searching for something for so goddamn long now.  I spent so much time
searching that I've forgotten what it was I am looking for.  I wouldn't know it if it
hit me square in my face.
I am chaos & confusion.
Chaos around me quiets the chaos inside me.
That much I do know.
2013 is now.  It's here. It's today.

  "There's this bridge I've got to cross and I feel alone.
   A child down to each side and I can't carry both.   
   The bridge is long we could fall down through holes. 
   Water all around, wind, wet and cold.
   One child insecure displays the confidence he doesn't own.   
   Another child, uncertain, looks around and cries for his home.
   My bridge is too unstable and the insecurity is letting go.   
   There's no holding to a crumbling bridge.
   When all the time is gone in between it tumbles. 
   Time to move along. 
    I toss & turn over & over & over & over.   
   Trying to dream out anxiety----
   Easy answers to my problems.
   Keeping a grip on sanity.
   Until the sun comes up & my mind's fresh and clean."  --SAMIAM 1989
  
Heartache. 
Heartache heartache heartache.
Always. Use. Love.
That is what I will try to use to stop the chaos, the pain, the torment, the heartache.
No more heartache. No more.
None.
No more.
Emptiness. Empty.
 
Always use love. 
I sometimes feel like I've been missing out on something.  Something BIG.
Almost like I 'missed the boat.'  It leads to confusion & chaos.
It always leads to chaos & heartache.  I missed the boat.  My ride didn't show.
But mostly, I feel like everyone else was given an instruction booklet on life except for me.
When we were kids the teacher passed out a very important book on how to live.
I was absent that day.  
I never got it.
Everyone else.
But me.

 

Love, Truth, Honor, God, Family, Society, everything...

Each day passes. More often than not each day is worse than the last. Muscles tighten. Voice crackles. Interests wane. Friends go. Trust leaves. God intervenes. The sun rises. Work comes along. Work leaves. The sun sets. God forgets. God ignores. Or does he? Is it I that ignores Him? Who moves away from whom? The tug. The push & pull. The confusion, oh the utter confusion. The aches & pains. The tears. The frustration of another sunrise. The contentment of another sunset. Worship. Worship who or Whom? Him? Who? What does He look like? Who is the Holy Spirit? Where is He? Why? When? How? Who created this disease? The mental illnesses? Who created them? You say (and I sometimes say) He created everything. Put everything here for a reason. What reason? What is the explanation? It seems all I'm filled with is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration, craving, and sickness. That is when I'm filled with anything at all. But most of the time I seem to be lacking. Lacking in spirit. Lacking in soul. Lacking in love. Lacking in heart. Lacking in intelligence. Lacking in manners. Lacking in honor. 'Hard Work' is my motto, but when presented with it I cower & run. I'm afraid of you, that is something you didn't know. I am afraid of each and everyone of you. Frightened to death. I prefer to be alone. Not because I like it but because I'm afraid of everything. I can't cope. I have no answers and only question upon question. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm sick & tired.