Black Flag "My War"

My favorite song from the "My War" album. Rollins is great on this. Yes, he is my favorite BF vocalist. Now there. Piss off.
 

Something Is Missing--

Checkin' in here, for anyone who may be reading. Friends, acquantences, lovers, and liars. Things have been going swell over the past two months. I'm working a lot these days--got a very good gig doing landscaping for 'R & J Lawn & Snow' out of Ann Arbor. We work all over Washtenaw county. Mainly in west A2, Dexter, Chelsea, and Ypsilanti. Mowing, weeding, edging, mulching, fall clean-up (well, not yet of course), and all things lawn & landscaping. I've been getting sunburned & tanned, sunburned & tanned, ad infinitum. Yes, it's a little hard trying to keep up with these 20-25 yr old kids, but I'm hanging in there! Beside's the money's really, really good! I've also lost 6 pounds since I started this job! Yay for me! God is good. He really is. But there's just something lacking in my life. Perhaps it's love. Yes. Love. Love. That four letter word....

MUNICIPAL WASTE "The Fatal Feast"

One of the greatest of the 'thrash revival' bands! I love 'em! Kick-ass video to boot! Get into it you slobs, crackheads, and prostitutes!

Perpetual Depression....

I feel like I am stuck in some kind of "depression bubble."  I don't really know how to 
adequately explain it.  A looong, drawn out, mild-ish perpetual depressed feeling.  Not 
a heavy duty, suicidal type of depression, but a persistent "state of the blues."  Frankly
I'm becoming sick & tired of it.  It also doesn't feel the same as S.A.D. --"Seasonal Affect-
ive Disorder."  I'm all too familiar with that one--it comes to me almost EVERY single 
winter.  This is more of a prolonged loneliness mixed with a long case of the blues one 
gets with opiate withdrawal, if you've ever experienced that.  I can't succinctly explain it
but I think that Wm. S Burroughs does a good job of it in his book "Junky."  And I also can't
remember off the top of my head exactly what he says, I just remember reading that book a 
few times and thinking, "this makes complete sense to me. I understand."  Yeah it sounds
odd that I can't remember what he wrote, yet I CAN remember agreeing with it!  Tho to
me that's one sign of a good writer --you don't remember what he wrote, but you DO
remember sympathizing or agreeing with it!   Back to my depression: what the heck is it
and how do I get rid of it?  I have tried every known anti-depressant under the sign and 
every combination thereof--nothing seems to work for any extended period of time.  Some
work for a few months, then the side effects inevitably force me to stop taking the meds. 
I will say that if it wasn't for my involvement in my church & the fact that I'm Catholic I
firmly believe that I would be much worse off than I am.  Also, I will say that when I have
been more involved in Alcoholics Anonymous I usually feel more pleasant & "upbeat." 
Maybe that's it, maybe that's my solution: getting back to regular AA meetings and trying
to go to mass once or twice during the week.  Yeah, I think that's worth giving a shot.  Heck,
they are both free with no strings attached.  Also, some more time set aside for serious prayer
with the Lord will do me good.  
I've tried & tried & tried. All I can do is keep trying. I miss so many friends & so many lovers. It seems like I'll never get back what I once had. 

ttt♥♥♥

Love, Truth, Honor, God, Family, Society, everything...

Each day passes. More often than not each day is worse than the last. Muscles tighten. Voice crackles. Interests wane. Friends go. Trust leaves. God intervenes. The sun rises. Work comes along. Work leaves. The sun sets. God forgets. God ignores. Or does he? Is it I that ignores Him? Who moves away from whom? The tug. The push & pull. The confusion, oh the utter confusion. The aches & pains. The tears. The frustration of another sunrise. The contentment of another sunset. Worship. Worship who or Whom? Him? Who? What does He look like? Who is the Holy Spirit? Where is He? Why? When? How? Who created this disease? The mental illnesses? Who created them? You say (and I sometimes say) He created everything. Put everything here for a reason. What reason? What is the explanation? It seems all I'm filled with is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration, craving, and sickness. That is when I'm filled with anything at all. But most of the time I seem to be lacking. Lacking in spirit. Lacking in soul. Lacking in love. Lacking in heart. Lacking in intelligence. Lacking in manners. Lacking in honor. 'Hard Work' is my motto, but when presented with it I cower & run. I'm afraid of you, that is something you didn't know. I am afraid of each and everyone of you. Frightened to death. I prefer to be alone. Not because I like it but because I'm afraid of everything. I can't cope. I have no answers and only question upon question. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm sick & tired.