Stunned At This Turn of Events // (Edward Snowden Was Wrong About the Great Solar Flare As the Big "Killshot" That Posed a Danger to Earth)

Soooo many new books I don't even know where to begin... I'm at the library almost every day, now that I live 150 feet away from the damn place!!  I'm going to make a couple of posts about that later on.

The following is an excerpt from a book I recently read, "Thrashing in Ragwood."  About the life of a punk rock kid growing up in the middle of nowhere & how he copes with it all.  Good stuff, considering I don't read novels all that much.  I prefer non-fiction, as m//r readers know! 

"I am still having a hard time understanding how & why this happened. I am still having a hard time with how a person whom I once loved & who ostensibly loved me as well, could possibly sic the motherfucking cops on me?! WTF?!? Lemme' say it again, What. The. Fuck?! Wouldn't simply emailing me to say, "I don't want to talk to you anymore. Don't email me" work just as well? Why in the fuck would ANYONE call the fucking cops on another person--a FRIEND at that--just because they didn't wanna talk anymore?? Here's the bloody facts about Sharon (unless there's something I'm missing, this is the honest to goodness truth): I went to high school with this "woman" Sharon (A term used loosely.) We were both in the punk rock scene, and at the time there just weren't that many of us punkers here in Ragwood, Nebraska. This girl was basically what we called a "poseur." She was like a comic book version of a punker--a thick layer of white corpse paint over her acne ridden face, black eye shadow, black lipstick, a large dyed black fully charged mohawk (that actually looked kinda' cool), carefully ripped & torn jeans, and black combat boots. The thing about her that stood out most, believe it or not, wasn't her carefully put together appearance, but her insanely large nose!! I am not exaggerating when I say it was by & far the BIGGEST nose I have ever, EVER seen on any human being in my entire life!! To this day I have never seen one bigger!! Thick & wide, and very loooong. Too long. My guess is it made the simple act of eating difficult. I couldn't even imagine trying to kiss her! (Actually I can, since I did try to kiss her! More about that in a bit.) Her & I weren't friends, but we weren't enemies either. She had it rough back then, getting lunch & other object thrown at her by the jocks, and spit on, ridiculed, and bullied by the punk rockers, the tribe she was supposed to be most at home with! I used to feel sorry for her, especially watching her get beat up by one particularly tough Asian punker named Annie Shapiro. Annie had a reputation as a tough gal (the feminine equivalent of "tough guy" I suppose) and was a brown-belt in Ju Jitsu. But what could I do, I was bullied myself by Annie! Fast forward to 2007, and me & this now ex-punker girl started chatting via MySpace. We exchanged phone numbers & started talking on the phone and eventually made plans for a date. I was super excited, since after looking through Sharon's MySpace photo albums, it appeared that she had had a nose job, toned down the punker gal look, adopted a macrobiotic diet, laid off the booze & chain smoking, and was even into running & competing in marathons! She also made it clear that she was very, very horny and wanted to have sex with me, on the first date! This is something I normally don't do, since I'm always afraid of getting an STD or worse: and unwanted pregnancy. So she invited me over to her house--for sex--and to watch a DVD & talk. Well we didn't have sex, not that I couldn't have, but I told her I wanted to wait & see where this went. I knew I liked her a lot right away, and she told me she felt the same. Of course we eventually started sleeping together & we fell in love. The only problem was, I was out on bond from the county jail, fighting a bogus minor drug possession charge. I didn't tell this to Sharon right off the bat (who would?) but rather waited until closer to my trial date. With the prospect of jail in front of me, I was scared & not really looking to get into a new relationship. But then again, maybe having a girlfriend who would write to me, visit me, put money in my account, and order me books might be an asset! I would up coping a plea to 90 days in the county jail. True enough, Sharon stuck with me and did all the things I mentioned. This made the county jail much more bearable. I got out after doing seventy days and Sharon & I picked the relationship right back up. Things seemed to be going well, but I just didn't feel "right" with her. She argued with me a lot, picked fights, whined about nearly everything incessantly, and was just an all around negative Nancy & Debbie downer! She hated sex--especially foreplay--(what kind of woman doesn't like to have her guy go down on her or finger-fuck her? Weird!) and wasn't at all into romance or spontaneity whatsoever. And the kicker: Her nose was as big as it was back in h.s., maybe even bigger! Not to mention that she would never let me meet her parents, coworkers, or any of her friends. I began to suspect that she was cheating on me, and my suspicions turned out to be correct. We broke up, but remained friends. We still talked frequently, mainly via email & text messaging. We had a few arguments, but never anything serious. We tried getting back together, but it wasn't time yet. The wounds of her cheating on me were still too fresh. Plus, she was starting school full time, so we decided to wait til she was finished with school, ostensibly two years. (Apparently community college & dating were a bit too much for her at one time. Hey, I never said she was a smart woman! Wait: A butt ugly chick who hates to fuck and isn't all that smart? What the fuck was I thinking?! LOL!) Well, after all Sharon & went through together, the end result was that she tried to sic the law on me! Let me repeat that: she tried to sic the law on me, for emailing her. First of all, I emailed her to apologize for my part in things, owning up to where I went wrong, and to say I was sorry & that I wanted to make a formal amends to her. Then I emailed her to ask if we could talk about things, her, me, us, etc. That was about it. A normal person would have returned the email(s) with either an, "I forgive you" or a "fuck off" or something in between. Yeah, a "normal" person. But apparently not this chick. Nope. Playing with my heart, and then siccing the police on me..... Well, the world has my word: Never again. I'm 86'd. Lesson learned: Stay away from the mud puddles, they're full of piranhas.

The Pain..... (an original poem & a SOIA song with it...)

.....it still lingers.  It probably won't  ever  go  away.
It's like a blanket I wear around me, all the time.
It's heavy. 
It hurts.
There is no "out."
What do others do?
What do YOU do?
My uncle took his life in 2011.
Some say he didn't end his pain.
He just passed it along to others.
I don't think he had the answer.
Who does?
What is it?
I look in the mirror & I see nothing.
Empty.
The Mirror of Emptiness.
It's gone.
It fled.
It left me behind.
The pain it still lingers.
God knows. 
God knows it still lingers.

☦

☦   

this sums it all up...SOIA  SICK OF IT ALL

☦

Perpetual Depression....

I feel like I am stuck in some kind of "depression bubble."  I don't really know how to 
adequately explain it.  A looong, drawn out, mild-ish perpetual depressed feeling.  Not 
a heavy duty, suicidal type of depression, but a persistent "state of the blues."  Frankly
I'm becoming sick & tired of it.  It also doesn't feel the same as S.A.D. --"Seasonal Affect-
ive Disorder."  I'm all too familiar with that one--it comes to me almost EVERY single 
winter.  This is more of a prolonged loneliness mixed with a long case of the blues one 
gets with opiate withdrawal, if you've ever experienced that.  I can't succinctly explain it
but I think that Wm. S Burroughs does a good job of it in his book "Junky."  And I also can't
remember off the top of my head exactly what he says, I just remember reading that book a 
few times and thinking, "this makes complete sense to me. I understand."  Yeah it sounds
odd that I can't remember what he wrote, yet I CAN remember agreeing with it!  Tho to
me that's one sign of a good writer --you don't remember what he wrote, but you DO
remember sympathizing or agreeing with it!   Back to my depression: what the heck is it
and how do I get rid of it?  I have tried every known anti-depressant under the sign and 
every combination thereof--nothing seems to work for any extended period of time.  Some
work for a few months, then the side effects inevitably force me to stop taking the meds. 
I will say that if it wasn't for my involvement in my church & the fact that I'm Catholic I
firmly believe that I would be much worse off than I am.  Also, I will say that when I have
been more involved in Alcoholics Anonymous I usually feel more pleasant & "upbeat." 
Maybe that's it, maybe that's my solution: getting back to regular AA meetings and trying
to go to mass once or twice during the week.  Yeah, I think that's worth giving a shot.  Heck,
they are both free with no strings attached.  Also, some more time set aside for serious prayer
with the Lord will do me good.  
I've tried & tried & tried. All I can do is keep trying. I miss so many friends & so many lovers. It seems like I'll never get back what I once had. 

ttt♥♥♥

I Know It's Hard...

...very hard sometimes.  As frustrated as I get, as suicidal as I feel, I just need to remember that I want to live. If for nothing else than to be able to see what will happen around 12-21-2012! I am strangely fascinated to this thesis. I am enthralled, you could say.  But yes, this life is hard, cruel, unfair, uncomfortable, and sickening.  People are treating each other like shit. We misuse & slaughter animals because we like their taste. We treat the earth with the respect of a pile of dog shit. We turned

our backs on God. We worship money, sex, and materialism. I'm so fucking sick of it. Maybe that's part of the reason why I've been on a suicidal death trip for 20 years now. I just don't care, most of the time. I'm a mean, nasty, racist, homophobic, slacker. Slacker times ten. I can stay up all night talking shit about someone, and then sleep in till 3pm the next day. Expecting someone else to buy me groceries, cook me food, and pay my bills.  I just don't really give a fuck most of the fucking time. Seriously. I'm fed up. I've had enough. Tired of being alive more often than not.  This is not a "cry out" for help or anything like that. I don't want your attention or sympathy. Actually, quite the contrary. I would really like to be left alone. I wouldn't mind having my tongue cut out of my head, sans anesthetic, and disposed of.  I don't need to do anymore talking to anyone about anything. Just sick of shit over & over.  But I DO want to live. Which makes this all so confusing. I hate the thought of giving up, throwing the towel in, buying the farm, giving up the ghost, etc.  Keep on keeping on!

Some New Stuff I Recently Got Into [read, write, talk, love]

Received the new issue of  "In Communion"  the journal of the Orthodox Peace Fellowship.

Also received the new issue the journal "Christian Apologetics" in the mail. 
Excellent journal / magazine.  Find it & read it, lest you be a chode!

Just finished reading "From the Ashes of Sobibor" by Thomas Toivi Blatt.  Supposedly a true story about a Jewish kid who escapes from Sobibor work camp in Poland, in 1943 or so.  He's on the run all over Poland dodging Nazis & Polish & Russian Partisans who are unfriendly to Jews.  Him & some other random Jews who are homeless & stateless, hide out in various barns, silos, & haystacks.  As well as forests, woods, cellars --abandon buildings--you names it he's squatted there.  Very fast paced story & book.  There is an added interview that the author conducted with one of the head guards from the camp, done in 1983.   The German military officer served 16 years in prison & was filled with regret over what allegedly went on in this & other work camps, or concentration camps as they are also called.  In some ways the author seems to relish in continually bringing up atrocities & alleged mistreatment that may or may not have gone down that way 40 years earlier.  World War II was terrible--for everyone, NOT just Jews, Gypsies, or Jehovah's Witnesses.  German & Polish civilians had a horrible time, especially towards the end of the war.  Yet it is the Jews who are usually in a position of power, with the media and various governments, so they can push the books, movies, TV shows, magazine articles, etc, about the "German Holocaust™ of European Jewry."  It's as if the Jews call the shots in the public's everyday lives!  OK OK, I'm not some Neo-Nazi or total conspiracy buff (tho I do follow many of the alternate historical theories laid out by minds more brilliant than mine) but I now know that there is WAY more to this holocaust™ story than meets the eye!  Especially after learning that in fifteen countries it is a FELONY to ask questions about 
the official holocaust™ story line!  Why in the heck does truth need to be protected by prison
time?!??!  Well, this is fodder for many many more posts.  Just read this book if you happen to
find it somewhere for free.
Published by Northwestern University Press. ♥

*Also watched "The Amityville Horror" from 1979 with Cheryl the other night.  Such a damn good movie.  But I kind of stick to what my friend Deacon Dave said recently:  he doesn't watch movies like this because he knows the evil one is all too real.  Sometimes movies, books, music, or other art
in this vein can be a sort of "doorway" through which Satan or any of his demons can creep into one's
mind, body, or life in general.  I don't want to come off as some sort of 'holier-than-thou' Bible thumping, closed minded, scaredy cat, but maybe Deacon Dave's message is worth paying attention
to?  Lord knows I've done things MY way for a long long time.  And look where it's gotten me! ♥
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
-----> [Edit 1/28/2013]  Strange to re-read a simple post like this, where I mention watching a DVD
  with Cheryl, me now ex-girlfriend.  I've been missing her for the past several months, and we have
  been talking, emailing, and texting each other.  She says she would like to try to be friends first,
  to maybe start over that way & then see where that leads.  Then maybe we can get back together,
  she stated.  However, she has turned me down, all fifteen times that I've asked her out over the past
  three months.  She even sent me an email telling me the CORRECT way to ask a woman out, and
  told me, "feel free to use this advice on me or any other woman!"  So I asked her out the way she
  suggested was proper, and she IGNORED my request!  LOL, then I reminded her that I had asked
  her out, and she claims to have FORGOTTEN that I did so!  LOL, I've never been fed such a line 
  of utter bullshit, lies, and disrespect in my entire life!  I was slack-jawed as I read her email explain-
  ing this to me!  Seriously, I've been rejected & ignored before, but I think this one takes the cake!
  LOL!!!  Obviously she thinks I'm retarded & has absolutely ZERO respect for me!  So, I am now
  following the advice of my spiritual advisers & supportive people in my life: I just CANNOT even
  be friends with her at this point in time.  I'm not supposed to have ANY contact with her whatsoever.  She is toxic for me, and I DO NOT deserve this kind of bullshit or pain or lack of respect.  It's hard for me to do, because I thought I still loved her.  Turns out that I wasn't really in love with her, rather I was afraid of being alone!!!  I am worth much, much more than anything she can provide for me.  So I've had to move on, and perhaps at a later time we can be friends.  But at this point, anyone around me who treats me the way she has been treating me is NOT my friend.  Yes, 
I'm sad.  Not too sad, now that I see things in a different light, but a bit heartbroken.  Oh well, it will
pass, it always does.  Besides, she's not a millionaire, nor a beauty queen, (her words not mine) and
I'm quite confident that I can do much, much better. ♥

Checked out from the public library yesterday: "The Lost Sutras of Jesus: Unlocking the Ancient Wisdom of the Xian Monks" by Riegert & Moore.
"Lectio Divina" by M. Basil Pennington.  He wrote "The Monks of Mount Athos" which is a great book.  We'll see how this one turns out to be.
"The Eastern Catholic Churches: And Introduction to Their Worship & Spirituality" by Joan L. Roccasalvo.
"The Jesus Sutras" by Martin Palmer.  Good stuff.

Also wanted to mention some other books I'm currently reading very slowly, and probably won't finish for another year (as is my m.o. I read maybe two dozen books at once...little by little.)
"Gates to Buddhist Practice" by Chagdud Tulku.
"The Wisdom of the Desert Fathers & Mothers" by Wilson - Hartgrove.
"Praying the Word: An Introduction to Lectio Divina" by Enzo Bianchi.
The winter 2010 - 2011 issue of "The Journal of the Order of Buddhist Contemplatives."
"A Tree in a Forest: A Collection of Ajahn Chah's Similies" edited by Dhamma Garden.