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3.02.2013

Perpetual Depression....


I feel like I am stuck in some kind of "depression bubble."  I don't really know how to 
adequately explain it.  A looong, drawn out, mild-ish perpetual depressed feeling.  Not 
a heavy duty, suicidal type of depression, but a persistent "state of the blues."  Frankly
I'm becoming sick & tired of it.  It also doesn't feel the same as S.A.D. --"Seasonal Affect-
ive Disorder."  I'm all too familiar with that one--it comes to me almost EVERY single 
winter.  This is more of a prolonged loneliness mixed with a long case of the blues one 
gets with opiate withdrawal, if you've ever experienced that.  I can't succinctly explain it
but I think that Wm. S Burroughs does a good job of it in his book "Junky."  And I also can't
remember off the top of my head exactly what he says, I just remember reading that book a 
few times and thinking, "this makes complete sense to me. I understand."  Yeah it sounds
odd that I can't remember what he wrote, yet I CAN remember agreeing with it!  Tho to
me that's one sign of a good writer --you don't remember what he wrote, but you DO
remember sympathizing or agreeing with it!   Back to my depression: what the heck is it
and how do I get rid of it?  I have tried every known anti-depressant under the sign and 
every combination thereof--nothing seems to work for any extended period of time.  Some
work for a few months, then the side effects inevitably force me to stop taking the meds. 
I will say that if it wasn't for my involvement in my church & the fact that I'm Catholic I
firmly believe that I would be much worse off than I am.  Also, I will say that when I have
been more involved in Alcoholics Anonymous I usually feel more pleasant & "upbeat." 
Maybe that's it, maybe that's my solution: getting back to regular AA meetings and trying
to go to mass once or twice during the week.  Yeah, I think that's worth giving a shot.  Heck,
they are both free with no strings attached.  Also, some more time set aside for serious prayer
with the Lord will do me good.  
I've tried & tried & tried. All I can do is keep trying. I miss so many friends & so many lovers. It seems like I'll never get back what I once had. 

ttt♥♥♥

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