Something Is Missing--

Checkin' in here, for anyone who may be reading. Friends, acquantences, lovers, and liars. Things have been going swell over the past two months. I'm working a lot these days--got a very good gig doing landscaping for 'R & J Lawn & Snow' out of Ann Arbor. We work all over Washtenaw county. Mainly in west A2, Dexter, Chelsea, and Ypsilanti. Mowing, weeding, edging, mulching, fall clean-up (well, not yet of course), and all things lawn & landscaping. I've been getting sunburned & tanned, sunburned & tanned, ad infinitum. Yes, it's a little hard trying to keep up with these 20-25 yr old kids, but I'm hanging in there! Beside's the money's really, really good! I've also lost 6 pounds since I started this job! Yay for me! God is good. He really is. But there's just something lacking in my life. Perhaps it's love. Yes. Love. Love. That four letter word....

Love, Truth, Honor, God, Family, Society, everything...

Each day passes. More often than not each day is worse than the last. Muscles tighten. Voice crackles. Interests wane. Friends go. Trust leaves. God intervenes. The sun rises. Work comes along. Work leaves. The sun sets. God forgets. God ignores. Or does he? Is it I that ignores Him? Who moves away from whom? The tug. The push & pull. The confusion, oh the utter confusion. The aches & pains. The tears. The frustration of another sunrise. The contentment of another sunset. Worship. Worship who or Whom? Him? Who? What does He look like? Who is the Holy Spirit? Where is He? Why? When? How? Who created this disease? The mental illnesses? Who created them? You say (and I sometimes say) He created everything. Put everything here for a reason. What reason? What is the explanation? It seems all I'm filled with is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration, craving, and sickness. That is when I'm filled with anything at all. But most of the time I seem to be lacking. Lacking in spirit. Lacking in soul. Lacking in love. Lacking in heart. Lacking in intelligence. Lacking in manners. Lacking in honor. 'Hard Work' is my motto, but when presented with it I cower & run. I'm afraid of you, that is something you didn't know. I am afraid of each and everyone of you. Frightened to death. I prefer to be alone. Not because I like it but because I'm afraid of everything. I can't cope. I have no answers and only question upon question. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm sick & tired.

I Know It's Hard...

...very hard sometimes.  As frustrated as I get, as suicidal as I feel, I just need to remember that I want to live. If for nothing else than to be able to see what will happen around 12-21-2012! I am strangely fascinated to this thesis. I am enthralled, you could say.  But yes, this life is hard, cruel, unfair, uncomfortable, and sickening.  People are treating each other like shit. We misuse & slaughter animals because we like their taste. We treat the earth with the respect of a pile of dog shit. We turned

our backs on God. We worship money, sex, and materialism. I'm so fucking sick of it. Maybe that's part of the reason why I've been on a suicidal death trip for 20 years now. I just don't care, most of the time. I'm a mean, nasty, racist, homophobic, slacker. Slacker times ten. I can stay up all night talking shit about someone, and then sleep in till 3pm the next day. Expecting someone else to buy me groceries, cook me food, and pay my bills.  I just don't really give a fuck most of the fucking time. Seriously. I'm fed up. I've had enough. Tired of being alive more often than not.  This is not a "cry out" for help or anything like that. I don't want your attention or sympathy. Actually, quite the contrary. I would really like to be left alone. I wouldn't mind having my tongue cut out of my head, sans anesthetic, and disposed of.  I don't need to do anymore talking to anyone about anything. Just sick of shit over & over.  But I DO want to live. Which makes this all so confusing. I hate the thought of giving up, throwing the towel in, buying the farm, giving up the ghost, etc.  Keep on keeping on!