Something Is Missing--

Checkin' in here, for anyone who may be reading. Friends, acquantences, lovers, and liars. Things have been going swell over the past two months. I'm working a lot these days--got a very good gig doing landscaping for 'R & J Lawn & Snow' out of Ann Arbor. We work all over Washtenaw county. Mainly in west A2, Dexter, Chelsea, and Ypsilanti. Mowing, weeding, edging, mulching, fall clean-up (well, not yet of course), and all things lawn & landscaping. I've been getting sunburned & tanned, sunburned & tanned, ad infinitum. Yes, it's a little hard trying to keep up with these 20-25 yr old kids, but I'm hanging in there! Beside's the money's really, really good! I've also lost 6 pounds since I started this job! Yay for me! God is good. He really is. But there's just something lacking in my life. Perhaps it's love. Yes. Love. Love. That four letter word....

Love, Truth, Honor, God, Family, Society, everything...

Each day passes. More often than not each day is worse than the last. Muscles tighten. Voice crackles. Interests wane. Friends go. Trust leaves. God intervenes. The sun rises. Work comes along. Work leaves. The sun sets. God forgets. God ignores. Or does he? Is it I that ignores Him? Who moves away from whom? The tug. The push & pull. The confusion, oh the utter confusion. The aches & pains. The tears. The frustration of another sunrise. The contentment of another sunset. Worship. Worship who or Whom? Him? Who? What does He look like? Who is the Holy Spirit? Where is He? Why? When? How? Who created this disease? The mental illnesses? Who created them? You say (and I sometimes say) He created everything. Put everything here for a reason. What reason? What is the explanation? It seems all I'm filled with is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration, craving, and sickness. That is when I'm filled with anything at all. But most of the time I seem to be lacking. Lacking in spirit. Lacking in soul. Lacking in love. Lacking in heart. Lacking in intelligence. Lacking in manners. Lacking in honor. 'Hard Work' is my motto, but when presented with it I cower & run. I'm afraid of you, that is something you didn't know. I am afraid of each and everyone of you. Frightened to death. I prefer to be alone. Not because I like it but because I'm afraid of everything. I can't cope. I have no answers and only question upon question. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm sick & tired.