SAMIAM "The Bridge"

Pain

I've been in pain over the past several months.  Serious pain.  Make that the past year or so. 
Serious pain. Real pain.
Pain brings chaos.
Internal pain, external pain, real pain & imagined pain.
Does it matter if it's real or imagined?  No it doesn't.  Or, rather, it shouldn't.
It's often said, "it's all in your head. It's not real & it's not really happening."
Bullshit.
Again, does it matter --if it's real or imagined pain?  If it's internal or external?
Pain. Loss. Empty.
Pain is pain is pain.
I've experienced enough pain for a dozen lives.
First and foremost is the pain of addiction & mental health.
Crazy. Nuts. Loony. Insane. Coo-koo. Batty. Bat shit crazy.
Seeing things, hearing things, smelling things, sensing things (that aren't there.)
Withdrawal. Craving, aka "jonsing." Desperation. Loss. Loss. Loss.
Loss.
Loss.
Loss loss loss.

 "Scared, helpless, and weak."  --SNAPCASE 1993

Emptiness.  Deep, deep emptiness. 
"What you have is a God sized hole in your heart (soul) that you are trying to fill with
narcotics, alcohol, sex, materialism, etc."
Materialism. 
Ahhh, materialism. 
Get some. 
Get some more. 
Get some more more. 
More, more, more, more.
And then more.
Empty.
I'm still empty.

  "I've got my arms wrapped around myself, you've got your arms around someone  else.  I lie to myself. I tell myself I'm not down.  I'm not down (lie)."  
  --ROLLINS BAND 1993

I listen to "The End of Silence" by the great, great ROLLINS BAND.  I listen to that record
over & over & over & over again.  I always do. I can't stop. I'm hooked. I'm "addicted."
That's not all I'm addicted to.
I kill myself every 30 - 60 minutes with one more cancer stick.  "Just one more...."
I just need one more.  (We all need 'one more'.)
Tobacco. Liquor. Heroin. Cocaine. Dextromethorphan. Cannabis. Benzodiazipines. 
Certain days are better then others. I've put all of those away. Almost a full year since
I've tasted anything --save for tobacco. The "paper dick" as it's known.
Suppose it's better than the"glass dick."
I lied. Some days AREN'T better than others.
Some days have less suffering than others. It doesn't make those days better.
 If I hold your head underwater for sixty seconds, then pull you out for ten seconds
then hold you underwater for sixty seconds, then pull you out for ten seconds, over
& over & over & over --you will suffer.  Each time you are allowed a breath it is 
nothing pleasurable.  You are simply experiencing less suffering, albeit temporarily.I'm sick.
Sick sick sick.
I'm in pain.
Serious pain.
Pain brings chaos.
Truth is, I love the chaos. Any chaos. All chaos. I worship chaos. I create chaos and then
I beg for help to get rid of the chaos. When help arrives, I turn it down. I turn it away. I turn 
it around. I drag the helpers into my chaos.
I set fire to the fireman.
I arrest the police officer. 
Peace officer. 
Emptiness. Empty. Empty empty empty.
Pain brings chaos.  I love the chaos. I'm addicted to the chaos. When I can have external chaos
near me, it quiets the internal chaos. It soothes the hurt. Temporarily.
It's a band-aid on a gunshot.
Then I cry out for more help. I beg for more help. I plead for more help.
But it doesn't come. It never comes. It stopped answering me thirty years ago.
No one comes anymore. No one answers anymore. No one listens anymore.
I'm sick.
Sick sick sick.
In pain. Real pain. Imagined pain.  P-A-I-N is a four letter word.
I thought pain was my friend. I know pain so well I feel like we are brothers.
Brothers. My brother is pain.

   "I have no emotion I have no devotion, it's empty motion, oceans of notions 
    intent on ego promotion.
    No elation, no devastation.
    Supplication seems a foreign creation.
    Barren & beaten & broken & bruised is the briar-ridden, thorn-land of my heart.
    My cries are lies from conceitful eyes."   --108 "Holyname" 1991

Heartache, loss, confusion, and chaos.  It's all I've known for too long now.
I've been searching for something for so goddamn long now.  I spent so much time
searching that I've forgotten what it was I am looking for.  I wouldn't know it if it
hit me square in my face.
I am chaos & confusion.
Chaos around me quiets the chaos inside me.
That much I do know.
2013 is now.  It's here. It's today.

  "There's this bridge I've got to cross and I feel alone.
   A child down to each side and I can't carry both.   
   The bridge is long we could fall down through holes. 
   Water all around, wind, wet and cold.
   One child insecure displays the confidence he doesn't own.   
   Another child, uncertain, looks around and cries for his home.
   My bridge is too unstable and the insecurity is letting go.   
   There's no holding to a crumbling bridge.
   When all the time is gone in between it tumbles. 
   Time to move along. 
    I toss & turn over & over & over & over.   
   Trying to dream out anxiety----
   Easy answers to my problems.
   Keeping a grip on sanity.
   Until the sun comes up & my mind's fresh and clean."  --SAMIAM 1989
  
Heartache. 
Heartache heartache heartache.
Always. Use. Love.
That is what I will try to use to stop the chaos, the pain, the torment, the heartache.
No more heartache. No more.
None.
No more.
Emptiness. Empty.
 
Always use love. 
I sometimes feel like I've been missing out on something.  Something BIG.
Almost like I 'missed the boat.'  It leads to confusion & chaos.
It always leads to chaos & heartache.  I missed the boat.  My ride didn't show.
But mostly, I feel like everyone else was given an instruction booklet on life except for me.
When we were kids the teacher passed out a very important book on how to live.
I was absent that day.  
I never got it.
Everyone else.
But me.

 

DRUID CHASE "Take Me In Your Garden" Psychedelic--

DRUID CHASE!!! Old psych rock from the late 1960's. Good stuff! 
♥♥♥ 

Father Symeon's Journal // Eastern Orthodox Christian Content ♥♥♥

This is an excellent blog to check out, though it hasn't been updated since August 2013.  Well worth your time, however.

Orthodox Christian Medicine   "The healing of soul and body through the ancient Orthodox Christian Way of Life."

Fr. Symeon's Journal [external link]

" Carmelites: People in search of God: From the Desert to the Garden of "

I love the Carmelite brothers & sisters! They are a fantastic monastic order within the Catholic Church. I want to learn more about them as a whole. I have a few snail mail pen pals whom I write to that belong to the order of Carmelites. They sent me a large box of books two years ago. Such wonderfully generous people. If I could do my life all over again, I would join a monastery and give my life to God, instead of squandering it away on drugs, booze, and loose women. BUT, thank God for second & third chances. I am sober today by God's grace & mercy. I love you Lord!!!

LIFE'S HALT "Make It Right"

LIFE'S HALT were a fantastic hardcorepunk band that was around in the late 90's / early 2000's. I was fortunate enough to see them four or five times. They were some of the nicest hardcore kids I've ever met! The singer's name is Ernesto, so we had an instant connection there! Their shows were super energetic & lively! Fun times for sure. R.I.P. LIFE'S HALT!!! ♥♥♥

Mutatis mutandis

"The necessary changes have been made."

FRAIL " Live at Atomic Cafe " pt. #1

FRAIL was a hardcore-emo-punk band from the early to mid 1990's. They released a few 7" records and maybe one or two split 7" records. I think they were put out on the Kidney Room Records label, Yuletide Records, and Bloodlink Records. Later on in the late 90's maybe? Bloodlink put all their recorded material onto a convenient CD called, "Make Your Own Noise." They were a great live band, though unfortunately I never got to see them. :( I still listen to them regularly and I am amazed at how great & important hardcore was in the 90's. Here's a cool video from a live show in that era.   Enjoy!

" ConsciousMate: The Nag Hammadi Library "

 ConsciousMate is a fantastic website/blog!!!  HAD to post this link up here! Get into it!


ConsciousMate: The Nag Hammadi Library (link)   

The Chronicles of Thomas Frith, O.P.

The Chronicles of Thomas Frith, O.P. (link)


  I want to read this book. The life of a Dominican Friar whilst he was traveling around Eastern Europe. I love books like this, particularly chronicling the travels & exploits of an unknown (to me) brother from the Order of Preachers (O.P.). In some ways books like this remind me of all the punkrock travelogue-fanzines I used to read. "In Abandon" done by a kid from Tampa, FL named Mikey, comes to mind. That was a damn good 'zine! God bless you all! ♥♥♥

" The Zionist Story " You must watch this!!! ♥

This is a fantastic video!  Educate yourself on the evils of modern day Zionism, as well as
it's terrible roots!  Then remember that modern Zionist's and their agenda(s) are promulgated
by pounding into everyone's head that  this Jewish Holocaust™ was the WORST thing that has
ever happened in the history of the earth!  Which is so laughable and so far from the truth that it
just makes one sick to keep hearing about it!  A farce!  A lie!  The Holocaust™ did NOT even 
happen the way the Zionist's keep telling us it did!

"A Devil in Disguise: Zionism and Its Threat to Christianity " pt. #1

Part one of a great series on the evils of Zionism, the massacre of the Palestinian people, the media manipulation, terrorist Israeli Jews, etc. Watch this. Have an open mind, don't be fooled by the garbage the Zionist run media tells you. You will learn a lot and it will surprise, sicken, and sadden
you. ♥♥♥

" The Mysteries of the Jesus Prayer " New Movie!!!

" Athos (Holy Mountain in Greece) " Mezmerizing Singing! Beautiful! Pure Love & Adoration! Mercy! Forgiveness! Compassion!

Very Interesting Post on CODOH Site:

This is a most interesting post I ran across on the CODOH (Committee for Open Debate on the Holocaust).  It is a copy of a letter sent by a man who has been studying the Jewish holocaust™ for over 25 years, to Deborah Lipstadt, an author of several holocaust™ books.  She is, of course, a Jewish woman, and several years ago was sued for libel by David Irving, albeit unsuccessfully.  Lipstadt is a proponent of the traditional holocaust™ "story" that the German Nazi's killed 6 million Jews using "homicidal gas chambers" and then burned most of the corpses in large ovens or open air fires.  Modern science & basic chemistry has long since de-bunked this story, which has been force fed to us since the early 1950's.  However, in 15 countries across the world, it is a felony punishable by prison time for questioning any aspects of the holocaust™.  NO KIDDING!!!  Think about that for a moment: You can & will be imprisoned for merely doubting or questioning ANY aspects of the holocaust!  Hot damn!  You mean to tell me that of ALL the era's in world history, of all the wars, of all the holocausts that have happened to various peoples throughout world history, ONLY the Jewish holocaust™ CANNOT be questioned or opened up to discussion, debate, and revisionism?  WHY?  Who the hell decided that this particular era of history was unquestionable?  How backwards is this? We have finally come to the point in time when thought crimes are a reality. This is a shame & an embarrassment. It just reeks of a cover-up. What are the Jews & the Zionists hiding? What are they afraid we might discover?  
Well, it's a bit too late!  There have been so many "secret" investigations & tests & research done at the alleged "homicidal gas chambers" and they all PROVE that they WERE NOT used for or as homicidal gas chambers!!!  Simple chemical tests done prove there was no use of Cyanide, in the form of Zyklon-B, in these "chambers."  Not to mention the fact that they have doors & windows in the buildings.  No reinforced steel, airtight doors like one would expect from a "homicidal gas chamber."
There have also been scientific tests done at alleged "mass graves" mostly at Treblinka, that show there were NEVER any mass graves there!  They have used modern, sophisticated sonar ultra-sound machines to conclude that the ground was NOT disturbed, was never dug to any significant depth, and certainly not deep enough to accommodate several hundred's of thousands of bodies! HOT DAMN!  This is incredible news!  They also did extensive searches for human remains, tested the age of many trees in the surrounding areas & forests, etc.  If there were HUGE open air incinerator's & fires, the Nazi's would've needed to chop down thousands & thousands of trees for the wood to burn the bodies.  Well ALL the trees in the area were found to be older than 1945, hence they couldn't have been re-planted post WWII, as the holocausters, the people who support the traditional holocaust™ story claim.  Additionally, hundred's of aerial photos from the time span that Jewish sources say the multitude of bodies were being burned, are devoid of any plumes of smoke!!!  If there were bodies being burned around the clock, as mainstream holocausters claim, there should & would have been plumes of smoke visible at many, many different times!  Huge clouds of smoke, flames leaping around, etc.  Also, photos of this & other camps DO NOT have ANY giant wood piles which would've been needed to burn that many bodies.  Seized camp blueprints & records are all lacking the location of wood storage sheds of any significant size.  This may sound trivial you say (and in 15 countries a person can be jailed for this kind of questioning!)  Seriously, I'm not an expert, but when the revisionists interview scores of people in the 'funeral-cremation' business, fire experts, doctors, fire fighters, etc, and they tell us how much wood & how big of a fire would be needed to burn 300,000 bodies, it DOES NOT jive with the traditional holocuast™ story.  THIS is what is meant by "holocaust revisionism."  Examining the 'crime scene' like is done at any other murder site.  Why the heck do Jews around the world want to jail us for asking these questions???   
Steven Spielbucks is the worst of the Zion-crooks!  His "Shoah Foundation" is spreading lie after lie after lie around the globe.  Now's he's got some documentary with this batty old lady, Irene Blattsss..something, telling us she smuggled her family diamonds into Auschwitz with her. In order to keep them hidden & safe, she swallowed them, not once, but EVERY NIGHT, then shit them out the next day, washed them off (even after telling us that water was scarce which no one denies, as shortages of food, water, and medicines were rampant, especially after the Allies bombed most of the railways & train tracks!), and then she re-swallowed them! Supposedly she did this EVERY BLOODY DAY for 15 months!!!  WTF?!?!  Who the heck believes this total b.s. pity story???  I don't buy it for one damn minute.  But hundreds of thousands, if not millions do: she tours America & other countries giving these talks to elementary, middle, and high school groups & classes, for a fee$$$$$.  Of course for a fee, after all, there's no business like "Shoah business!" This holocaust is a huge money making scam and that's all it is.  I don't buy it.  Sure, Jews suffered during WWII, at the hands of the sumbag Nazi's (I am no fan of the Nazi's at all!)   But it should also be mentioned that the Jewish populace declared war on Germany.  Economic war.  And believe me, they were very influential & prosperous and able to inflict serious economic damage.  Just look at how powerful the Jews are in America today.  They own almost every media outlet, movie studio, & leading internet sites.  They own most of the banks and a ton of property.  They are 2% of the American population but own 90% of the TV & radio stations & newspapers & magazines.  So Jews DID suffer, no revisionist or others argue that, but so did MY PEOPLE, the Catholics!  So did homosexuals, Gypsies, Jehovah Witnesses, and last but certainly not least, innocent German civilians!  Where is the German Memorial Museum for their people lost in WWII??? No one seems to give a rat's ass about them.  What about the brutal, inhumane carpet-bombing of Dresden which killed ten's or even hundred's of thousands of old men, women, & children!  Helpless, defenseless people, pets & property.  Hospitals, clinics, food stores, etc etc.
I've had enough of the lack of truth being promulgated.
I'm tired of this scamming of the people.
Sick, perverted, swine using a bloody war to make money 60 years later.  Gross and shameful.

Here is the letter this man wrote to Ms. Lipstadt:
_______________________________________________________________

Dear Madame:
My name is Jerzy Ulicki-Rek and I'm 56-years-old Polish-Australian.
After studying the "holocaust' for almost 25 years, I do not have
ANY doubts that the official version (6 millions, gas chambers,
electric chambers, vacuum chambers etc. is nothing else but a pile
of lies. Looking for new information, I forced myself to read your
book "Denying the holocaust".

The number of lies you produced between the covers is fantastic.
Some of them, as I stated in my email to the university, which
employs you, are absolutely fantastic and even the official 'holocaust'
Museum in Oswiecim (Auschwitz) is very reluctant to confirm you words:)
In fact they refuse to comment on your revelations.
To refute all the lies will take a long time, and maybe another book.
Now, here is just one of your creations:

On the page 115 you wrote:

"Harwood contended that the report made "nonsense" of the allegation that
there were "gas chambers' cunningly disguised as shower facilities".
He substantiated this assertion by quoting a passage from the report (IRC
report published in 1948 -Jerzy) that depicted how IRC officials inspected
baths and showers in the camps.
When they found problems they acted swiftly "to have fixtures made less
primitive and to have them repaired or enlarged".
This, Harwood argued, demonstrated conclusively that showers functioned as
showers, however primitive, and not as a killing apparatus.
The problem with Harwood choice of this citation, which he quoted correctly,
IS THAT THE PASSAGE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GERMAN CONCENTRATION CAMPS:
IT REFERRED TO ALLIED CAMPS FOR CIVILIAN INTERNEES IN EGYPT."
End of quote.

No ,Madame.
You are presenting us with another lie.

I am VERY familiar with the IRC report.
Those words are in relation to a concentration camp.
Please, do not insult us any more.

Jerzy Ulicki-Rek


CODOH message board/forum  (link)     

Please read The Barnes Review bi-monthly journal of historical revisionism.  It will open your eyes, enrage you, and enlighten you.